Monday, 6 October 2008

A Floodlight Cutting Through Darkness

As you may have noticed by a few things I've said, I've got a job.

It's awesome - I've got a normal job for the first time in ages. I love it.

I won't go into too much detail about what it is save to say that I sit at a desk and stare at a screen from 8:30 to 5:30. And that it's cool.

Here's the thing though. Before I started the Tolle stuff, all my jobs were hard-fucking-core. I've very rarely just done a normal job. Mostly I've been in extreme, high-stress environments. Anyone who's seen me can tell you that the colour of my hair backs this up.

If you'd ask me why you might expect me to say something like "I'm an adrenaline junkie" or "I love a challenge." And if we were in a job interview I might answer like that.

It's not true though. The reason I've always had these crazy-extreme jobs is because for as long as I can remember I've had this crushing terror of living a worthless life.

What I mean by that is simple - I have, all my life, been shit scared of doing 'nothing' with my life. It has been the boogeyman under my bed for so long. Given the choice between a kick-ass relationship, a rock-solid friendship, or the merest whisper of a chance to do something that would have meaning and value, I would run to the latter like a crazy person.

I've sacrificed a great deal on that altar. Relationships, friendships, money, career - anything you can think of, really. Anything I could think of, more specifically. In many ways I've lived my life almost based on the assumption that if I just sacrifice enough stuff I'll be able to get my wish.

Here's a blanket apology to all those reading this (you know who you are) who've been caught up in that. I've done a lot of damage, upset a lot of people. I guess the only solace they can take is that the overwhelming majority of the damage I've done has been directed inward, at myself.

Now, there are some people, maybe even some of you, who would look at that and think it heroic. Really. Don't laugh. There are.

There are a lot of people who feel the same way I felt, who live the same way I lived. I think a lot of the reason I built up the following I built up was because my madness is far from unique.

And look, here's the thing. I'm not here to don sackcloth and ashes and bemoan my past. What's done is done. I'm certainly not here to defend it. I don't think it's useful to morally judge in general. And the judgements we cast on ourselves are always the most damaging and deluded.

Point is this - it didn't work.

I mean, not only did it not work, it led me into one emotional, personal or professional car crash after another. It was fricking catastrophic.

Here's something cool though.

The fear has retreated. Massively. It's still there, like a whisper in the background sometimes. Listening to Tolle does that - his presence pushes back negativity like a floodlight cutting through darkness.

I feel free. I go to work and I can just put all my emotional shit on hold. I work good - better than I have before. Ever. I'm so calm. It's crazy. I've never been a calm person. Now I am. I can actually organise things. Anyone who's ever worked with me will realise that's a miracle on a par with walking on water. Normally I'm a fucking mentalist.

And the thing is, I have had some serious successes - especially in my work life. But they've been in spite of my mindset and not because of it. This is just so much better.

I actually feel secure in my job. That's a weird feeling - never had that before. I mean, it's especially weird given the current economic climate. And I love the work, it's cool. It's not 'interesting' from an outside point of view - if I were to describe my day to you you'd not be enthralled, I'll tell you that now.

But it's cool. Doing things is cool when you're chilled. You can build skills, see yourself getting better, get creative with how you do things - all that jazz.

I love it. I do. I'm not terrified every day that I'm wasting my life every second.

And that, my friends, is a big fucking gift from that tiny German mofo.

6 comments:

mzzarh said...

I f***ing love these posts man!!!

"And the judgements we cast on ourselves are always the most damaging and deluded." and the part about being shit scared of doing nothing with your life -- so true but I'd never realised it till you said it.

Your BFF said...

I don't like this post much.
Are you helping more people now? Even if it was "all a lie" or whatever, your intentions seemed sincere. And you were achieving on a decently large scale.

Anonymous said...

You'll probably brush this off with your brilliant verbals and maybe I'm totally wrong...to me this just sounds like rationalizations about settling for mediocrity.

Mike

1000DaysOfPresence said...

Your BFF said...

I don't like this post much.
Are you helping more people now? Even if it was "all a lie" or whatever, your intentions seemed sincere. And you were achieving on a decently large scale.


Look, it's all up in the air right now. Lots of people have their own opinion. My personal perspective on it is that what I did on a 'decently large scale' was in fact not helpful. Just accelerated the madness of myself and others.

At least this way I'm sticking to the last sentence of the Hippocratic oath: "above all do no harm."

1000DaysOfPresence said...

Anonymous said...

You'll probably brush this off with your brilliant verbals and maybe I'm totally wrong...to me this just sounds like rationalizations about settling for mediocrity.

Mike


Don't passive aggressive with me, sonny jim.

:-p

Shit, maybe you're right. Truth is though, I think I've paid my dues as far as running into the machine-guns of life goes.

And think about this - I'm not just saying 'great, I'm doing normal stuff.'

I'm saying - shit, I'm capable of doing normal stuff without constantly being hijacked with terror or despair.

To me that means a lot. And as a little caveat, I think that were I to attempt something on a wider scale coming from the state of mind that's emerging in me, it would probably be a damn sight more effective than my past attempts.

I'd be very surprised if it was worse. My neck hurts.

1000DaysOfPresence said...

mzzarh said...

I f***ing love these posts man!!!

"And the judgements we cast on ourselves are always the most damaging and deluded." and the part about being shit scared of doing nothing with your life -- so true but I'd never realised it till you said it.


Cool, man. Glad to see you're following the blog. Always liked your stuff.